Some people seem to skip happily through life.
But I feel so weighed down. How can I even smile?
Sometimes the negative thoughts, the cloudy mind and the heavy cloud really drive me up the wall.
Sometimes I’d just like to be left alone.
when I was depressed, the air around me felt dark and heavy and meaningless. I would drag myself out of bed.
Some depressives have trouble getting out of bed. I could always do that. It was actually leaving the house that was hard.
Sometimes I would get out of bed, make a cup of tea, sit on the couch and then feel totally unable to do anything else.
Being depressed can affect your appetite. And so can antidepressants.
When I was really depressed and I didn’t want to cook and I didn’t feel like eating, bananas were one of the few things I could eat.
Antidepressants stopped the crying but they also affected my desires.
Just after I started counselling, I felt a lot worse before I started to feel better. One evening, my counsellor was worried that I might hurt myself and she wouldn’t let me go home alone. I called a friend to get me and I spent the night at her house. I wrote about my box of demons the following morning when I awoke at about 5 O’Clock in a strange bed, unable to sleep.
I sit on a box of demons. Sometimes I would forget there were demons in the box and I’d think about getting off.
“I’m bored. It’s time to do something new.”
Then the demons would get active and try to get out. That would be a tough and upsetting time.
“Oh god, I’m going over the edge.”
So I’d have to push down harder on the lid so they couldn’t get out.
Keeping the lid on the box did restrict my ability to do things.
“No I can’t go off having an adventure. I have to keep the lid on this box.”
I got really sick of having to mind the box all the time.
Eventually I got off.
Now I have to fight off the demons before they’ll go away.
Some people say they have no regrets
I really envy them
I have always been this useless
Life has ALWAYS been this hard
There is no sunshine
there is no happiness
How can I continue living like this?
The dark cloud will pass
It always does